Monday, June 19, 2017

A depressing Father’s day…

I had a hard time this past Sunday, Father’s Day. I had dreams of my ex-wife and I woke up that Sunday feeling depressed. Sometimes my depression hits me hard. I took the day off and just played video games; instead of my usual cleaning, grocery shopping, and laundry. 

Now I have tried to rebuild my life after my divorce. God knows it is not easy to completely switch gears in the middle of your life and suddenly be single again. But I try and be optimistic. For the most part I have been positive and have embraced this change. This divorce has led to a tremendous financial freedom. This divorce has also led to a tremendous personal freedom as well. I am the captain of my own ship once again. 

In my dreams I do not remember that I am divorced; so many of the dreams encompass my ex-wife. This makes me sad. It makes me sad for all that I have lost. For all that I did not value. For all I have given up. They say you don’t really appreciate something till you lose it. And for my part I can say that is true. When I was married I longed for freedom and could not remember why I fell in love with my wife. Now that I have lost that marriage. I can remember the good times. I can remember why my ex-wife and I feel in love. I dream about it. 

Funny how the focus of your life changes. When I was married I longed for freedom. Now that I am single again I long for a stable relationship once again. This is going to take a long time to get over; if I ever completely get over it. It is like the death of a loved one. You never are quite the same after that death. 

So I strive to not be buried by sadness and depression. I strive to be positive and optimistic. I strive to see the good in my life. I can’t change what has happened but I can change how I live now.