I find myself both excited and apprehensive about moving out into my own place. I have not been on my own for 18 years. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am scared of being alone. But at the same time I am set free by finally having my freedom. Freedom to do what I want. Free to spend my money how I want to. Free to spend my time how I want to. True freedom! And yet I am sad because I am losing something that meant so much to me. My relationship with my wife and my marriage was the corner stone of my life. I defined myself based on that relationship. I was married with a kid for 18 years and that is who I was. Who am I now? There is tremendous anxiety about I will do. But there is a tremendous freedom in being able to become what I want to be. I am not sure what to do with myself. Slowly plans are coming to light. I am going to spend the money to get a rowing machine that can stand up to my weight. It is no small expense. I have to spend like 1200 bucks to get the one I want. But I like rowing and I find it is something I can easily do. And getting rowing machine will allow me to burn much more calories easily. Definitely something I need to do. And I can do that exercise no matter what the weather is outside. And I can watch TV while I do it.
Recently instead of lying in bed trying to sleep after I have woken up at 5; I have gotten up and played Guild Wars 2. It is a fun game and I like it. You can play it solo and casually. Which are both important things to me. The end result is that I had much more fun this morning then I typically do. I even got to work earlier than usual; which is nice. It means my day is shorter. I think it is a much better way to start your day. So I plan on keep doing it. Start the day nice and play a cool video game; a good way to start the day.
I am also going to save up for a new vehicle. I want a Kia Soul. I think they would be a good fit for me and they look so cool. I don’t know why but I just love them. I am going to get a used one. Finally I want to save up to go to Japan. I have always wanted to go. I think it would be a lot of fun. I want to take my son with me. We could see all the sites. We would have a blast and it is something that we could share.
That is what I am really looking for with my son. Stuff we could share. I love him very much but we are not very close. He is a teenager and very standoffish. So I need things that we could bond over. I already told him to pick out things he would like to do and we can do them on the weekend. So hopefully we can have some good experiences that way. I already got to take him to Pho and that was really nice. He told me all the stuff he is doing in Minecraft; which was really cool. We have not really talked that much in a long time. I really enjoyed it. My hope is that this divorce will let me build up my relationship with him.
So I do have some plans. I do have some idea of what to do with myself. I do have an identity. My life will go on after this divorce and from what I can tell so far it is a very good life I will have. I already love my new place. It is very nice. Only after being there have I noticed how sick and toxic my current life is. I am looking forward to moving. And if I can deal with my anxiety I will be just fine. I will be more than fine. I will be reborn with a zest for life. Seeing what I can do new with my life. My wife was right this divorce is a good thing for both of us. Thank god!