Friday, August 18, 2017

Doing well; getting back on track!

I am doing well. I have been sad off and on again. But I seem to have moved out of the general funk that I was in. My family vacation seemed to snap me out of it.

I am getting back on track with my weight loss. I have gained back 40 lbs. so I have quite a bit to lose. But I have cut donuts, coke, and cookies out of my diet. This has made the difference. I now have positive numbers in MFP so I know I will start losing weight again. I feel positive and like I am moving forward again. I have found a good solution to my dinner problem. I am now eating fewer calories and getting vegetables. Frozen meals have been god send for me.

I was thinking about the time my mom got lost in the mountains of California and almost died. We almost lost her. I only found out about it after it was all over. It is so scary. I am just glad we have her. I love her so much. Its funny people can annoy you and then when you almost lose them you realize how much you really value them.

Well thanks for reading. I hope you’re well. Take care.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Where I am at…

I am overweight and severely depressed. I keep gaining weight and I can’t help myself. All those things I should cut down on have crept back into my diet. Cookies, candy, and other empty calories have wormed their way into my diet. I have taken the weight off. But I am finding it exceedingly difficult to keep it off. It feels like I trying to stop a breaking dam. I know this is difficult to do. I know that I trying swim upstream. But I never expected it to be so challenging. I want to give up. I want to quit TOPS and just give up on my weight. I feel like I fighting a losing battle. 

All of the depression from my divorce has hit me. I find myself missing my ex-wife and our relationship; even though I was profoundly unhappy in it for the last several years. I feel like no one will ever love me again. I feel profoundly alone and sad. I try to hope that better days are ahead. But I don’t know if they are. 

So I find myself fighting a war on two fronts; my weight loss and my divorce. I am trying my best. But my best is often not good enough. I feel worthless. I feel unlovable. I feel like I will always been alone. But I try to keep my hopes up and tell myself these negative thoughts are just not true. For now I continue to fight the good fight. I hope your all well and thanks for reading this.

Monday, June 19, 2017

A depressing Father’s day…

I had a hard time this past Sunday, Father’s Day. I had dreams of my ex-wife and I woke up that Sunday feeling depressed. Sometimes my depression hits me hard. I took the day off and just played video games; instead of my usual cleaning, grocery shopping, and laundry. 

Now I have tried to rebuild my life after my divorce. God knows it is not easy to completely switch gears in the middle of your life and suddenly be single again. But I try and be optimistic. For the most part I have been positive and have embraced this change. This divorce has led to a tremendous financial freedom. This divorce has also led to a tremendous personal freedom as well. I am the captain of my own ship once again. 

In my dreams I do not remember that I am divorced; so many of the dreams encompass my ex-wife. This makes me sad. It makes me sad for all that I have lost. For all that I did not value. For all I have given up. They say you don’t really appreciate something till you lose it. And for my part I can say that is true. When I was married I longed for freedom and could not remember why I fell in love with my wife. Now that I have lost that marriage. I can remember the good times. I can remember why my ex-wife and I feel in love. I dream about it. 

Funny how the focus of your life changes. When I was married I longed for freedom. Now that I am single again I long for a stable relationship once again. This is going to take a long time to get over; if I ever completely get over it. It is like the death of a loved one. You never are quite the same after that death. 

So I strive to not be buried by sadness and depression. I strive to be positive and optimistic. I strive to see the good in my life. I can’t change what has happened but I can change how I live now.