Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Divorce is bittersweet...

I find myself both excited and apprehensive about moving out into my own place. I have not been on my own for 18 years. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am scared of being alone. But at the same time I am set free by finally having my freedom. Freedom to do what I want. Free to spend my money how I want to. Free to spend my time how I want to. True freedom! And yet I am sad because I am losing something that meant so much to me. My relationship with my wife and my marriage was the corner stone of my life. I defined myself based on that relationship. I was married with a kid for 18 years and that is who I was. Who am I now? There is tremendous anxiety about I will do. But there is a tremendous freedom in being able to become what I want to be. I am not sure what to do with myself. Slowly plans are coming to light. I am going to spend the money to get a rowing machine that can stand up to my weight. It is no small expense. I have to spend like 1200 bucks to get the one I want. But I like rowing and I find it is something I can easily do. And getting rowing machine will allow me to burn much more calories easily. Definitely something I need to do. And I can do that exercise no matter what the weather is outside. And I can watch TV while I do it.
Recently instead of lying in bed trying to sleep after I have woken up at 5; I have gotten up and played Guild Wars 2. It is a fun game and I like it. You can play it solo and casually. Which are both important things to me. The end result is that I had much more fun this morning then I typically do. I even got to work earlier than usual; which is nice. It means my day is shorter. I think it is a much better way to start your day. So I plan on keep doing it. Start the day nice and play a cool video game; a good way to start the day.
I am also going to save up for a new vehicle. I want a Kia Soul. I think they would be a good fit for me and they look so cool. I don’t know why but I just love them. I am going to get a used one. Finally I want to save up to go to Japan. I have always wanted to go. I think it would be a lot of fun. I want to take my son with me. We could see all the sites. We would have a blast and it is something that we could share.
That is what I am really looking for with my son. Stuff we could share. I love him very much but we are not very close. He is a teenager and very standoffish. So I need things that we could bond over. I already told him to pick out things he would like to do and we can do them on the weekend. So hopefully we can have some good experiences that way. I already got to take him to Pho and that was really nice. He told me all the stuff he is doing in Minecraft; which was really cool. We have not really talked that much in a long time. I really enjoyed it. My hope is that this divorce will let me build up my relationship with him.
So I do have some plans. I do have some idea of what to do with myself. I do have an identity. My life will go on after this divorce and from what I can tell so far it is a very good life I will have. I already love my new place. It is very nice. Only after being there have I noticed how sick and toxic my current life is. I am looking forward to moving. And if I can deal with my anxiety I will be just fine. I will be more than fine. I will be reborn with a zest for life. Seeing what I can do new with my life. My wife was right this divorce is a good thing for both of us. Thank god!

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

My coworker is a jerk...

What I can I say my coworker is a jerk; instead of welcoming me to the office. He sat me down and told me that I smell. I explained that after 6 years at this job no one had complained that I smell. He was unable to describe the smell. It seems to mysteriously come and go. That would be fine if he assumed that the smell has something to do with him and his mysterious nose. But he assumes that is me. After I explained to him that no one else complained that I smell. And that I regularly shower. He went and complained to my supervisor. Which is way over the line in my option. If you have a problem with me that fine. Let’s talk about it like adults and handle it. No need to involve supervisors. He then brought it up again. Like there is something I can do for him. It is pretty obvious that he just doesn’t like me. Nothing that I can do about that. Hopefully he will retire sometime soon. That is right he is an old crusty dude and he complains I smell. Don’t know what I did to upset his delicate nose. You would think we were working in a rose garden. We work in a regular office with regular office smells. People cook food and eat it. They have coffee. They wear perfume and cologne. You know typical office smells. I don’t know what his problem is but it has completely ruined any kind of good environment at work. Every time I see him I have to remember that he says I smell. I was just working at another desk to get some work done and they were chatting and laughing. It reminds me all I don’t have. Of how tense my work environment is because of this asshole. Well fuck him! Him and his sensitive nose can go fuck themselves. Nuff said!


Honesty is such a core value in a relationship. It is the bedrock on which a relationship is built. If you don’t have honestly? What do you have? My ex-wife was not honest with me. She suffered in silence. She says she worked hard on our relationship but without any help from me. She did so without the tools to really fix the relationship. Without therapy, without me know there was a problem. I am sure she had her reasons. I am sure to her they were good reasons. But at the end of the day she was not honest with me. She was not honest about her feelings and her silent struggle. At the end of the day this dishonesty ended our relationship. This dishonesty ended an 18 year old marriage.
I don’t know what happened. We started out honest. My ex-wife was someone that I could share everything with. But at some time dishonesty crept in. At some time we started being dishonest with each other. My ex-wife suffered for years from what she tells me. All this time I had no clue. She has her reasons for ending our marriage. I am sure they are good reasons to her. But for me I would rather work on it. But that is not an option. So I must move on with my life. Grieve and move on; hopefully to find someone to share my life with. Someone who will be honest with me and not suffer in silence.
I don’t know how to get honesty back once it is lost. Once someone starts lying about how they are and what is going on with them. What can you do to get them to be honest again? Is there anything you can do to fix that problem? Sure counseling and therapy but what if the person does not want to work on it? What do you do then? Get divorced like I am I guess.
I wish I could of done more. I wish I could have fixed this. I wish I would have known my ex-wife was suffering in silence. But when someone lies to you, for whatever reason there is not really anything you can do.
In the end I do not know that we could have saved the marriage even if I knew. I would like to say we would fought the good fight and won; but I don’t know that. Maybe we were doomed. Maybe nothing could be done.
All I know is that is over and I full of sadness and regret. Regret that I could not fix this problem that ended our marriage. But how do you fix a problem you don’t know about? In the end her dishonesty spelled the doom of our marriage. If someone is not honest with you; you cannot have a relationship with them or at least not a good relationship.
So I renew my pledge to honesty. I renew my commitment to find someone to be honest with. And again sometimes things just end and there is nothing we can do about it. Such is life.
Thank you for reading my blog post. Hopefully you gain something from it. I know I feel better from writing it.

Its offical, its divorce

Now that I finally moving out and my wife and I are getting a divorce; I can talk about it openly. You will never know how hard it was not talking about it on my blog. My blog is a major outlet for me. So to be without it was rather difficult and I had to blog anonymously. It was hard to not tell friends and family. It was hard not to share the major difficulties and roller coaster of feelings I was going through. But we did not want to make it official until we were sure and that I can understand.
It has been really really difficult dealing with this divorce. All I can think is what did I do wrong. Where did I mess up.  But my wife and I simply grew apart. We stayed together because we had a child. If we did not have a kid together; I doubt we would have stayed together so long. That is quite a pressure cooker to put any relationship. Some people make it work but like us some people don’t.
I don’t know what to say. I still love my wife. I wish she wanted to be with me. But she does not want me anymore. Our romantic relationship is over. It has been for a long time. Now my ex-wife is my friend. A friend I share a child with. I would not want to hurt her any more than I would want to hurt Atticus. I know that maybe strange to some people. People seem to want us to fight or be at each other throats. That is not the nature of this divorce. We are both mature people willing to recognize that our romantic relationship is over and that is time for us to both go our own ways. We will always share Atticus and both of us are dedicated to taking care of him. So in a sense our love lives on in Atticus because he was conceived and raised by that love. We love him and that is enough for either of us to not be bitter and blame each other.
In short I am hurt. My world has been destroyed. I have to find a new way to live without my wife. I have to be on my own. Something I have not done for 18 years. I am scared and anxious about the future. I don’t know what is going to happen. Slowly I putting together what my future will be like. I am looking for a place near my work that can be my own. I originally thought I wanted a roommate. But I think being on my own will be better. A roommate would only annoy the hell out of me.
It is hard to not focus on the divorce and be bitter. But I am trying to be optimistic and move on. Now I am free to live my life how I want to. My money is mine, my time is mine, my life is mine. I am thinking of taking a trip to Japan. I have always wanted to go. I think it would be fun to take Atticus with me and we could explore Japan together.
Most importantly I can move on and grieve and then find someone who does want to be with me. For so long Leah has been my world. Now she is stepping aside for someone better. Someone I am more compatible with, someone who shares my world view, someone who wants to share their days with me. I have to hope that there is someone better right around the corner. That is all that keeps me going. I will take my time to grieve and recover from this divorce. But when the time comes I will be looking for someone to share my life with. Someone who cherishes me, someone who will not leave me and give up on our relationship just because they have had a hard time. Someone who will not suffer in silence and then leave me out of the blue. I love Leah and I understand she wants to end things. I just wish she wanted to work on our relationship before ending things. But I can’t change that. All I can do is look for someone who will not do that to me. That is all I can hope for. So here’s to a bright future full of freedom and beautiful, wonderful, witty women.  A future that I can believe in. A future that I can live for.